life

Take everything I said yesterday and throw it out the window. I am a MESS. Av is fine, nothing in this post is about her crying or breaking down. It is all about momma crying and breaking down. It hit me this am that this is our new reality. Our new life, everyday will be this. Not what should we do today, or what should we do tomorrow. It's get up early (so used to sleeping in till almost 8 which is late and lucky for a mom of 3), rush rush rush to get Av out and then either take C to school or decide what to do with our day. It is nice that I still get to do that with C and E. Thank goodness I do. But my baby, my first born, my best friend. I miss her soooo much. How is it possible that this new chapter has begun and now she is with her teacher more than she is with me??? It's not fair!! I feel guilt today. Why? Not sure, have not totally put my finger on it. Maybe I am feeling like I didn't enjoy her enough or cherish the moments we had together enough. Ugh. I did though, or least I tried to. But not always, maybe I yelled too much or was short a lot or too rushed with the other 2 kids and didn't give her enough. It's sooooo hard. It's like I'm mourning her. Everything I look at that's hers makes me sad. Or I feel guilty (again) that she's not here enjoying her fav stuff. When I look at her seat in the car I long to hear her cute little voice. OMG talk about a drama queen I am being. It's hard. Losing your baby is rough. Another part of my guilt I think is the bus thing. She leaves an hour before school in the am and gets home an hour after school is out. That is a super long day on top of the super long day that kindergarden already is. J and I talked last night and we want to give it a month. She if it works and if she gets used to it. If not we will change and that is fine. We both decided that the time on the bus is good for Av. It gives her 1.5 hours a day of straight talk time to peers. What could be better for a speech delayed kid than that??? So maybe it is best for her, time will tell. Again the guilt is coming in and asking why are we sending her to this school that is further away from our house (I can get there in 7 minutes from my house so it's not far) instead of our home school so she would be on the bus way less. Well it's a better school for sure and she has been there for 2 years with her speech therapist. So those are 2 great reasons. So why didn't we move closer?? We talk about moving all the time and know that we need to at some point. So why didn't I get my lazy butt moving and do it. Ugh. Life is soooooo hard sometimes. I just want to throw myself down on the ground and scream and yell for time to stop. Please!!!!!!!!!